Thursday, August 5, 2010

My Story: by Anonymous

Today, I received this message from a Womb Twin Survivor who asked that their story be told to the group, but asked to be anonymous for personal reasons. (We always grant that right!)
       It is a powerful story I'm sure many of us can identify with. Please give Anonymous any feedback and guidance you have. HOWEVER: until we get our problems with our Comments section resolved, please email your response to either Monica Hudson or me (Sylvia Dickey Smith at sds(at)suddenlink(dot)com and we will paste it as a new blog. We've lost too many neat comments to Jo's story. We don't want to lose any more. Also, if you are one of the ones who commented to Jo and it didn't post, PLEASE rewrite it and send to either of us by email and we will post it as a blog post. 
      We are here for each other, and will get these messages up, one way or another--I'm not a Taurus the bull for nothing! LOL


My Story: by Anonymous

We were born in a hospital in a far flung suburb of a rust belt city in the early 70's. My Brother was the first born, he died extremely shortly after birth of GBS (Group B Strep). The wholly inadequate explanation for my survival is that my Brother carried the bulk of the infection out of the birth-canal.

My parents never spoke of my Brother until my teen years.  I grew up feeling different than others.  I had (and still have) a profound sense that I have lost something very important.  I got along very well with other children, but never felt that I "fit in" anywhere.  I am terrified of abandonment, yet I want to be alone.

When I think about my Brother, it feels like he is there with me.  I have the feeling of a presence that is stronger than reality.  I'm a very skeptical person.  However, there is something very paranormal about the feelings I have and some events associated with that feeling.

My Mother and Father refuse to acknowledge that I should have an issue with the loss of my Brother. They believe the whole thing was some type of medical event.  My Brother wasn't even afforded the basic right to a name.  There is no tombstone... no marker of his existence.  I speak with my parents daily, even though I live far from them.  But, I feel a deep hatred toward them and my other siblings.

In my late 30's I am just beginning therapy to address the grief and guilt issues that I have wrestled with since my childhood. I have struggled with issues of temper, anger, addiction, alienation and depression.  I have trouble being a part of any "group," an overwhelming desire to succeed, I am a perfectionist, I have an overwhelming dislike of organized religion and feel anger toward doctors.  Despite all of this, I have a moderate amount of success in society.  I don't believe that anyone outside of my family has ever perceived my inner conflict.

Still, despite it all.  I am here.  My Brother is not. I can't help but think, it could have been me... and I wouldn't have even existed.  Who said "God doesn't play dice."

3 comments:

  1. Hello there anonymous!!
    I UNDERSTAND EVERYTHING....am in the SAME place in many ways. Me and my twin sis Joy"s birthday is coming up August 27 and my family of origin thinks I am LOONEY.
    THEY ARE VERY WRONG......This wedsite, YOU and ME are VERY VERY correct.
    I love your honestly and vulnerability in your post. BEEEEE UUUUUUU tiful !!!!!!! Would be happy to get to know you better.

    Love and TWIN HUGS,
    Josephine Ludwig (JO)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hi Anonymous,
    I am glad you believe in your twin and acknowledge he existed and that you honor your twinness. I'm sorry for your loss and that your family makes you feel alone with it, just as mine has.

    My twin was born and had a name but I don't have a grave or anyone to acknowledge their child or sister either, they all think it's my problem and oddly enough, that it shouldn't even be a problem (despite the fact that it's the biggest loss of all, it always seems to get swept under the rug by the singleton world). As if our twins were in our imagination! No wonder we feel invisible sometimes... I share many of your feelings too.

    Are you an identical male?
    Have you looked into GBS in depth?
    I think you should really explore that for yourself.
    I strongly suggest you give your twin a name if you haven't already and that you stop referring to him as a brother and start calling him your twin.
    Make him real and figure out what happened between you in the womb, how did it all unfold?

    Someday I hope to hear from you:
    (your name), twin to (his name)

    Declaration of Identity is what gets you to the Declaration of Independence and Freedom!

    May the truth set you free and may you continue to share your journey with us!

    Thank you for sharing - this is one group I think you may feel differently about ;-)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Dear Anonymous,

    Reading your story puts shivers down my spine. I'm 24 years old and have been aware my entire life that I am a surviving twin. My sister, Megan passed in utero only a few weeks before we were born. I was out first and put into Intensive Care with an infection and heart condition.

    Not until now have I begun to wonder just how much of an impact it has made on me psychologically. I've always just ''brushed'' it off like an unfortunate medical circumstance...

    I'm starting to see an almost eery correlation between many of the thoughts/feelings I have and a lot of situations growing up. I was extremely distressed and destructive (towards myself) as a child and clung to my mom with massive separation anxiety. I once told a therapist that I thought I was born depressed/sad and they threw me an unsettled eye. I've always felt a ''void'' even when I can sit and mentally comprehend the unfortunate life circumstances I've dealt with I still can't understand why there is this looming sadness.

    I'm currently getting treatment for an eating disorder that has been haunting me for years. The past few weeks have been almost surreal, I've had a few times that I've felt connected to something beyond my ability to describe-a higher force, sensation, awakening, etc. Almost paranormal. This feeling seems to come a little bit after 4 in the evening..This feeling has also attached itself to numbers in sequential order (4,2,0, 4:20) I can't tell you how many times I've been pulled to these numbers..It's almost frightening. They are on clocks, radios, signage, even out of peoples mouths (and no I do not smoke the reefer) There are only a few people I've spoken to about these instances..I can't lie I've felt my sanity has been on the line!

    The other day I was talking to my mother about Megan and I. I was always told we were born in the afternoon (assuming noon) but wanted to get the exact time. She said that they started prepping for c-section around 4:20 and that we were born by 4:40.


    And until the other day...I had never known the exact TOD of my dad years ago..It was 4:40 as well...


    Crazy, crazy stuff...thanks for reading!
    Would love to chat further with anyone who has a similar story :)

    Warmly,
    Kate

    ReplyDelete

Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

My Story: by Anonymous

Today, I received this message from a Womb Twin Survivor who asked that their story be told to the group, but asked to be anonymous for personal reasons. (We always grant that right!)
       It is a powerful story I'm sure many of us can identify with. Please give Anonymous any feedback and guidance you have. HOWEVER: until we get our problems with our Comments section resolved, please email your response to either Monica Hudson or me (Sylvia Dickey Smith at sds(at)suddenlink(dot)com and we will paste it as a new blog. We've lost too many neat comments to Jo's story. We don't want to lose any more. Also, if you are one of the ones who commented to Jo and it didn't post, PLEASE rewrite it and send to either of us by email and we will post it as a blog post. 
      We are here for each other, and will get these messages up, one way or another--I'm not a Taurus the bull for nothing! LOL


My Story: by Anonymous

We were born in a hospital in a far flung suburb of a rust belt city in the early 70's. My Brother was the first born, he died extremely shortly after birth of GBS (Group B Strep). The wholly inadequate explanation for my survival is that my Brother carried the bulk of the infection out of the birth-canal.

My parents never spoke of my Brother until my teen years.  I grew up feeling different than others.  I had (and still have) a profound sense that I have lost something very important.  I got along very well with other children, but never felt that I "fit in" anywhere.  I am terrified of abandonment, yet I want to be alone.

When I think about my Brother, it feels like he is there with me.  I have the feeling of a presence that is stronger than reality.  I'm a very skeptical person.  However, there is something very paranormal about the feelings I have and some events associated with that feeling.

My Mother and Father refuse to acknowledge that I should have an issue with the loss of my Brother. They believe the whole thing was some type of medical event.  My Brother wasn't even afforded the basic right to a name.  There is no tombstone... no marker of his existence.  I speak with my parents daily, even though I live far from them.  But, I feel a deep hatred toward them and my other siblings.

In my late 30's I am just beginning therapy to address the grief and guilt issues that I have wrestled with since my childhood. I have struggled with issues of temper, anger, addiction, alienation and depression.  I have trouble being a part of any "group," an overwhelming desire to succeed, I am a perfectionist, I have an overwhelming dislike of organized religion and feel anger toward doctors.  Despite all of this, I have a moderate amount of success in society.  I don't believe that anyone outside of my family has ever perceived my inner conflict.

Still, despite it all.  I am here.  My Brother is not. I can't help but think, it could have been me... and I wouldn't have even existed.  Who said "God doesn't play dice."

3 comments:

  1. Hello there anonymous!!
    I UNDERSTAND EVERYTHING....am in the SAME place in many ways. Me and my twin sis Joy"s birthday is coming up August 27 and my family of origin thinks I am LOONEY.
    THEY ARE VERY WRONG......This wedsite, YOU and ME are VERY VERY correct.
    I love your honestly and vulnerability in your post. BEEEEE UUUUUUU tiful !!!!!!! Would be happy to get to know you better.

    Love and TWIN HUGS,
    Josephine Ludwig (JO)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hi Anonymous,
    I am glad you believe in your twin and acknowledge he existed and that you honor your twinness. I'm sorry for your loss and that your family makes you feel alone with it, just as mine has.

    My twin was born and had a name but I don't have a grave or anyone to acknowledge their child or sister either, they all think it's my problem and oddly enough, that it shouldn't even be a problem (despite the fact that it's the biggest loss of all, it always seems to get swept under the rug by the singleton world). As if our twins were in our imagination! No wonder we feel invisible sometimes... I share many of your feelings too.

    Are you an identical male?
    Have you looked into GBS in depth?
    I think you should really explore that for yourself.
    I strongly suggest you give your twin a name if you haven't already and that you stop referring to him as a brother and start calling him your twin.
    Make him real and figure out what happened between you in the womb, how did it all unfold?

    Someday I hope to hear from you:
    (your name), twin to (his name)

    Declaration of Identity is what gets you to the Declaration of Independence and Freedom!

    May the truth set you free and may you continue to share your journey with us!

    Thank you for sharing - this is one group I think you may feel differently about ;-)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Dear Anonymous,

    Reading your story puts shivers down my spine. I'm 24 years old and have been aware my entire life that I am a surviving twin. My sister, Megan passed in utero only a few weeks before we were born. I was out first and put into Intensive Care with an infection and heart condition.

    Not until now have I begun to wonder just how much of an impact it has made on me psychologically. I've always just ''brushed'' it off like an unfortunate medical circumstance...

    I'm starting to see an almost eery correlation between many of the thoughts/feelings I have and a lot of situations growing up. I was extremely distressed and destructive (towards myself) as a child and clung to my mom with massive separation anxiety. I once told a therapist that I thought I was born depressed/sad and they threw me an unsettled eye. I've always felt a ''void'' even when I can sit and mentally comprehend the unfortunate life circumstances I've dealt with I still can't understand why there is this looming sadness.

    I'm currently getting treatment for an eating disorder that has been haunting me for years. The past few weeks have been almost surreal, I've had a few times that I've felt connected to something beyond my ability to describe-a higher force, sensation, awakening, etc. Almost paranormal. This feeling seems to come a little bit after 4 in the evening..This feeling has also attached itself to numbers in sequential order (4,2,0, 4:20) I can't tell you how many times I've been pulled to these numbers..It's almost frightening. They are on clocks, radios, signage, even out of peoples mouths (and no I do not smoke the reefer) There are only a few people I've spoken to about these instances..I can't lie I've felt my sanity has been on the line!

    The other day I was talking to my mother about Megan and I. I was always told we were born in the afternoon (assuming noon) but wanted to get the exact time. She said that they started prepping for c-section around 4:20 and that we were born by 4:40.


    And until the other day...I had never known the exact TOD of my dad years ago..It was 4:40 as well...


    Crazy, crazy stuff...thanks for reading!
    Would love to chat further with anyone who has a similar story :)

    Warmly,
    Kate

    ReplyDelete

Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.