Being a womb twin survivor, I had grown accustomed to the term “slipping into a black hole” and to the idea of switching alpha/beta roles with one’s vanished twin – these concepts and behaviors were just as ordinary to me as blinking.
Then….something quite startling happened, to shake this up and make me realize its true meaning beyond my previous level of comprehension. I would like to share it, in case it is helpful to others to know about this subtle distinction which turned out to be hugely powerful in understanding my story.
It was during an NET session (neuro emotional technique), I was re-experiencing my gestational reality from conception to birth. Like other womb twins, I was finding this modality to be a helpful tool for accessing and releasing womb memories & emotions, but I wasn’t prepared for what I experienced during the 5th month in utero.
(note: my twin & I were born premature at 6 months, she died the next day)
My twin & I made a pact – she would go and I would stay. She would wait long enough for me to be healthy enough to survive, which turned out to be one more month - at which point she asphyxiated on her cord and went into distress causing our birth and then I never saw her again. We did say goodbye, which was incredibly comforting to know. But there in the 5th month when we were making our little agreement, I actually felt myself switch roles with her.
I BECAME HER SO THAT I WOULDN’T HAVE TO LOSE SOMEBODY!
In this NET session, I fully recalled myself switching places (as twins do) with my twin in the womb – as if I got up, went over to her side, stepped into her body, zipped up my Jennifer suit and became her, the beta, at that point.
My journal entry after the session reads:
5 months in utero = paralyzed will, blocked. Breakthrough: I thought I suffered from low or no self esteem but I realized that I have plenty of self esteem. I thought I didn’t because I switched roles with her out of survivor guilt! I knew she wouldn’t stay so I became her so as not to lose her. I went Beta!
It was amazing to re-witness myself doing this because it speaks to two things:
1) the power of survivor guilt is so strong, that even a defenseless unborn baby knows how to defend itself from it.
2) slipping into the beta space isn’t just a temporary thing for me like I thought, it is every thing to me. I’ve been there my whole life, living her weakened beta state so that I wouldn’t have to feel survival or guilt. I bypassed it from day zero!
So if I have lived a black hole beta life all this time, my momentary lapses downward must have been a “blacker hole” – no wonder it felt so horrendous!
Further, this realization brought a deeper understanding about my clutter. I realized that in becoming her in the womb – there still remained a body next to me (my real body which was one pound bigger than her body) to take the place of the emptiness which would eventually represent my lost twin (surprising that I could anticipate that and recall all this from my body memory at 5 months gestation, not from my current mind. I could feel the difference!) Because I was already traumatized by her impending death, even though we agreed to it and she was still there alive, the dynamic had already been activated – I would be the little helpless beta surrounded by the placebo-like comfort of a bigger twin who wouldn’t disappear. This was my comfort zone and this is still being played out today in the form of clutter.
For example: A few weeks ago, my son left our home for an extended stay with his Dad. Ever since he left, these womb dynamics have played out exactly - I barely exist/function there (beta), don’t cook for myself (if I’m her, I have to be one pound lighter), fill up the empty space with clutter so there are signs of life, shrink down intimidated by the clutter that becomes bigger than me. It always seems so huge in my mind but when I finally get down to tackling it, it only takes 10 minutes to clean up. I build this ‘bigger than me’ thing in my head, and now I know why.
I am currently learning just how much of my life I have lived through my twin’s beta lens, while I learn to own MY self esteem and build on it so that I can fully step into my power. Who knew I was operating from my twin’s lack of self esteem all this time and how reassuring that I have my own. Now I have to learn how to use it and stay in it.
Alphaville here I come!
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Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Switched before Birth
Being a womb twin survivor, I had grown accustomed to the term “slipping into a black hole” and to the idea of switching alpha/beta roles with one’s vanished twin – these concepts and behaviors were just as ordinary to me as blinking.
Then….something quite startling happened, to shake this up and make me realize its true meaning beyond my previous level of comprehension. I would like to share it, in case it is helpful to others to know about this subtle distinction which turned out to be hugely powerful in understanding my story.
It was during an NET session (neuro emotional technique), I was re-experiencing my gestational reality from conception to birth. Like other womb twins, I was finding this modality to be a helpful tool for accessing and releasing womb memories & emotions, but I wasn’t prepared for what I experienced during the 5th month in utero.
(note: my twin & I were born premature at 6 months, she died the next day)
My twin & I made a pact – she would go and I would stay. She would wait long enough for me to be healthy enough to survive, which turned out to be one more month - at which point she asphyxiated on her cord and went into distress causing our birth and then I never saw her again. We did say goodbye, which was incredibly comforting to know. But there in the 5th month when we were making our little agreement, I actually felt myself switch roles with her.
I BECAME HER SO THAT I WOULDN’T HAVE TO LOSE SOMEBODY!
In this NET session, I fully recalled myself switching places (as twins do) with my twin in the womb – as if I got up, went over to her side, stepped into her body, zipped up my Jennifer suit and became her, the beta, at that point.
My journal entry after the session reads:
5 months in utero = paralyzed will, blocked. Breakthrough: I thought I suffered from low or no self esteem but I realized that I have plenty of self esteem. I thought I didn’t because I switched roles with her out of survivor guilt! I knew she wouldn’t stay so I became her so as not to lose her. I went Beta!
It was amazing to re-witness myself doing this because it speaks to two things:
1) the power of survivor guilt is so strong, that even a defenseless unborn baby knows how to defend itself from it.
2) slipping into the beta space isn’t just a temporary thing for me like I thought, it is every thing to me. I’ve been there my whole life, living her weakened beta state so that I wouldn’t have to feel survival or guilt. I bypassed it from day zero!
So if I have lived a black hole beta life all this time, my momentary lapses downward must have been a “blacker hole” – no wonder it felt so horrendous!
Further, this realization brought a deeper understanding about my clutter. I realized that in becoming her in the womb – there still remained a body next to me (my real body which was one pound bigger than her body) to take the place of the emptiness which would eventually represent my lost twin (surprising that I could anticipate that and recall all this from my body memory at 5 months gestation, not from my current mind. I could feel the difference!) Because I was already traumatized by her impending death, even though we agreed to it and she was still there alive, the dynamic had already been activated – I would be the little helpless beta surrounded by the placebo-like comfort of a bigger twin who wouldn’t disappear. This was my comfort zone and this is still being played out today in the form of clutter.
For example: A few weeks ago, my son left our home for an extended stay with his Dad. Ever since he left, these womb dynamics have played out exactly - I barely exist/function there (beta), don’t cook for myself (if I’m her, I have to be one pound lighter), fill up the empty space with clutter so there are signs of life, shrink down intimidated by the clutter that becomes bigger than me. It always seems so huge in my mind but when I finally get down to tackling it, it only takes 10 minutes to clean up. I build this ‘bigger than me’ thing in my head, and now I know why.
I am currently learning just how much of my life I have lived through my twin’s beta lens, while I learn to own MY self esteem and build on it so that I can fully step into my power. Who knew I was operating from my twin’s lack of self esteem all this time and how reassuring that I have my own. Now I have to learn how to use it and stay in it.
Alphaville here I come!
Then….something quite startling happened, to shake this up and make me realize its true meaning beyond my previous level of comprehension. I would like to share it, in case it is helpful to others to know about this subtle distinction which turned out to be hugely powerful in understanding my story.
It was during an NET session (neuro emotional technique), I was re-experiencing my gestational reality from conception to birth. Like other womb twins, I was finding this modality to be a helpful tool for accessing and releasing womb memories & emotions, but I wasn’t prepared for what I experienced during the 5th month in utero.
(note: my twin & I were born premature at 6 months, she died the next day)
My twin & I made a pact – she would go and I would stay. She would wait long enough for me to be healthy enough to survive, which turned out to be one more month - at which point she asphyxiated on her cord and went into distress causing our birth and then I never saw her again. We did say goodbye, which was incredibly comforting to know. But there in the 5th month when we were making our little agreement, I actually felt myself switch roles with her.
I BECAME HER SO THAT I WOULDN’T HAVE TO LOSE SOMEBODY!
In this NET session, I fully recalled myself switching places (as twins do) with my twin in the womb – as if I got up, went over to her side, stepped into her body, zipped up my Jennifer suit and became her, the beta, at that point.
My journal entry after the session reads:
5 months in utero = paralyzed will, blocked. Breakthrough: I thought I suffered from low or no self esteem but I realized that I have plenty of self esteem. I thought I didn’t because I switched roles with her out of survivor guilt! I knew she wouldn’t stay so I became her so as not to lose her. I went Beta!
It was amazing to re-witness myself doing this because it speaks to two things:
1) the power of survivor guilt is so strong, that even a defenseless unborn baby knows how to defend itself from it.
2) slipping into the beta space isn’t just a temporary thing for me like I thought, it is every thing to me. I’ve been there my whole life, living her weakened beta state so that I wouldn’t have to feel survival or guilt. I bypassed it from day zero!
So if I have lived a black hole beta life all this time, my momentary lapses downward must have been a “blacker hole” – no wonder it felt so horrendous!
Further, this realization brought a deeper understanding about my clutter. I realized that in becoming her in the womb – there still remained a body next to me (my real body which was one pound bigger than her body) to take the place of the emptiness which would eventually represent my lost twin (surprising that I could anticipate that and recall all this from my body memory at 5 months gestation, not from my current mind. I could feel the difference!) Because I was already traumatized by her impending death, even though we agreed to it and she was still there alive, the dynamic had already been activated – I would be the little helpless beta surrounded by the placebo-like comfort of a bigger twin who wouldn’t disappear. This was my comfort zone and this is still being played out today in the form of clutter.
For example: A few weeks ago, my son left our home for an extended stay with his Dad. Ever since he left, these womb dynamics have played out exactly - I barely exist/function there (beta), don’t cook for myself (if I’m her, I have to be one pound lighter), fill up the empty space with clutter so there are signs of life, shrink down intimidated by the clutter that becomes bigger than me. It always seems so huge in my mind but when I finally get down to tackling it, it only takes 10 minutes to clean up. I build this ‘bigger than me’ thing in my head, and now I know why.
I am currently learning just how much of my life I have lived through my twin’s beta lens, while I learn to own MY self esteem and build on it so that I can fully step into my power. Who knew I was operating from my twin’s lack of self esteem all this time and how reassuring that I have my own. Now I have to learn how to use it and stay in it.
Alphaville here I come!
2 comments:
Wow. This is truly amazing. I remember some of my time in the womb... Oh, I should probably start by saying that I'm only 15. Anyway, I was originally a triplet. There were three of us, my two brothers and myself (a girl), all of us fraternal. Xander (his full name was Alexander but we called him Xander) passed quite early in the pregnancy - probably before our mom even knew she was pregnant (I think it was around 6-8 weeks). His death was quite peaceful, as if we knew from the start he wasn't meant to live - none of us were upset by it - in fact, I remember him smiling as he passed. (I also seem to know that he has - or would have had - brown hair and green eyes, which is strange as neither of these things would have shown at this point). But it was different with Xavier. Xavier looked almost identical to me in every way (brown hair, brown eyes and even the same facial features). In fact, we seemed to be identical in every way except that he was a boy. He passed around 22-24 weeks, and this was anything but peaceful. I don't think he felt much pain, which is comforting, but I remember watching him the moment he passed, and I got a huge, sharp, heavy pain in my chest that moment - the worst pain I've ever felt. When Xander passed, it didn't really bother me - it's to the point where I most often call myself a twin just because I know he was never meant for this Earth, and I'm at peace with that. But Xavier was supposed to stay. He's supposed to be here, but he's not. I don't know what went wrong or why he passed - my parents refuse to talk about him or even acknowledge him (though we have an ultrasound of me from around then and you can see his arm [I know it had to be his, since I could see my hands and feet, and I don't have 3 arms!]) so I have no one to talk to. I really think one of those NET things could be really beneficial for me, but I have no way of getting one. I've taken on many of Xavier's traits - to the point that I seem to have 2 favorite colors, 2 favorite animals, things like that. I'm just beginning to sort them out between mine and his. My two favorite colors have always been purple and orange. Well, when I was 2 I started preschool. That whole year I refused to use orange markers - I hated them! The next year, they were my favorite. This leads me to think that it was Xavier's favorite color and that I wouldn't use them because it reminded me of him. I also used to talk about having a brother, saying that I thought I had one somewhere and things like that. When I was 6, my Dad told me I had a half-brother, Kyle (who was 8) but I knew that wasn't the brother I meant (though Kyle is awesome, too - lol).
ReplyDelete
So, this was really interesting to me. It really makes me want to know what happened with me and Xavy (my nickname for him - lol). Oh, and sorry for typing so much - I have a habit of ranting about him! ^^;
Nikki, this is AMAZING! Wow, they were lucky to have a twin/triplet like you who was so sensitive to them, and witnessed them with such love and acknowledgment. I know what you mean - my triplet & quadruplet passed very early and that is ok but it's the twin loss I've struggled with my whole life. My parents & family won't talk about it either - isn't it great we have each other? On that note, are you on skype? I would love to hear more about your story and see if I can give you some guidance..Skype or phone. Feel free to email me privately at moniglam@gmail.com.
ReplyDelete
I love the incredible detail of your womb memories, thank you very much for sharing!
Monica
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Wow. This is truly amazing. I remember some of my time in the womb... Oh, I should probably start by saying that I'm only 15. Anyway, I was originally a triplet. There were three of us, my two brothers and myself (a girl), all of us fraternal. Xander (his full name was Alexander but we called him Xander) passed quite early in the pregnancy - probably before our mom even knew she was pregnant (I think it was around 6-8 weeks). His death was quite peaceful, as if we knew from the start he wasn't meant to live - none of us were upset by it - in fact, I remember him smiling as he passed. (I also seem to know that he has - or would have had - brown hair and green eyes, which is strange as neither of these things would have shown at this point). But it was different with Xavier. Xavier looked almost identical to me in every way (brown hair, brown eyes and even the same facial features). In fact, we seemed to be identical in every way except that he was a boy. He passed around 22-24 weeks, and this was anything but peaceful. I don't think he felt much pain, which is comforting, but I remember watching him the moment he passed, and I got a huge, sharp, heavy pain in my chest that moment - the worst pain I've ever felt. When Xander passed, it didn't really bother me - it's to the point where I most often call myself a twin just because I know he was never meant for this Earth, and I'm at peace with that. But Xavier was supposed to stay. He's supposed to be here, but he's not. I don't know what went wrong or why he passed - my parents refuse to talk about him or even acknowledge him (though we have an ultrasound of me from around then and you can see his arm [I know it had to be his, since I could see my hands and feet, and I don't have 3 arms!]) so I have no one to talk to. I really think one of those NET things could be really beneficial for me, but I have no way of getting one. I've taken on many of Xavier's traits - to the point that I seem to have 2 favorite colors, 2 favorite animals, things like that. I'm just beginning to sort them out between mine and his. My two favorite colors have always been purple and orange. Well, when I was 2 I started preschool. That whole year I refused to use orange markers - I hated them! The next year, they were my favorite. This leads me to think that it was Xavier's favorite color and that I wouldn't use them because it reminded me of him. I also used to talk about having a brother, saying that I thought I had one somewhere and things like that. When I was 6, my Dad told me I had a half-brother, Kyle (who was 8) but I knew that wasn't the brother I meant (though Kyle is awesome, too - lol).
ReplyDeleteSo, this was really interesting to me. It really makes me want to know what happened with me and Xavy (my nickname for him - lol). Oh, and sorry for typing so much - I have a habit of ranting about him! ^^;
Nikki, this is AMAZING! Wow, they were lucky to have a twin/triplet like you who was so sensitive to them, and witnessed them with such love and acknowledgment. I know what you mean - my triplet & quadruplet passed very early and that is ok but it's the twin loss I've struggled with my whole life. My parents & family won't talk about it either - isn't it great we have each other? On that note, are you on skype? I would love to hear more about your story and see if I can give you some guidance..Skype or phone. Feel free to email me privately at moniglam@gmail.com.
ReplyDeleteI love the incredible detail of your womb memories, thank you very much for sharing!
Monica