Beta Duality and Switching

On the topic of duality and alpha/beta and switching etc. I have arrived at the belief that the constant duality we find ourselves in isn't just a twin phenomena, it is due to us having the dual intrauterine relationships with both mother and twin. We were split between their feelings, thoughts, effects on us from the very moment of our conception. Think of the competition of that allegiance, given mother was primal host organism yet twin was a vital primal part of us. It was an and/and and in cases of multiples, even more. Perhaps this is the explanation for high occurrences of beta and duality struggles in the lives of womb twins, when we are placed here to be the alpha survivor...dare I say....individuals. I mean, why can't we just accept our power and be happy about it, after all we are strong and we did make it? The fact that we can't pick one way - slipping back & forth into alpha/beta vs. just accepting our alphaness - is also this duality imprint. It's everywhere.

My theory (as of today!) is that we are the alpha survivor of the twin pair, yet simultaneously we are beta dependent to mother...because the twin dies off (or will - ala "the pact") and consequently so does our alpha role -- and the mother relationship continues, we continue the beta role to host organism simply out of survival and it becomes a lifelong coping complex in all areas just because that imprint helped us live. This is also a "switch" in roles like we have been discussing. I also think thatBeta-ness also comes from the traumatic stress awareness of our twins' survival struggles....e.g. "uh oh, I better be quiet about my twin and play beta to mom so I can live." From there, our survivor guilt gets distorted, amplified, causing the romanticized lens we see our twins thru - rather than forgetting them and prizing the practical choice of just having mother for survival. Because the grief energy has to go somewhere so the baby can survive, that's where it goes - to propping up the twin (we want to keep their memory alive out of guilt and denial) and out of not being the only one, which is a new vulnerable feeling (downplaying Self). This then gets played out in every detail of the womb twin survivors life in every distorted version of it and this begins before we are even born!

I never considered the maternal bond much until I healed my twin stuff, then encountered this whole other layer that makes sense to process. I connected with my mother's feelings of dread and not wanting the pregnancy and also felt the intrauterine effects of her diet, attitude, smoking etc. It felt so terrible being unwanted that I identified too strongly with it and felt like I shouldn't exist but the bottoming out I did served the purpose of grieving that too. It felt like I hit the pavement and couldn't go any lower...so the only thing to do from there was get up. I wasn't going to lay down and die! That's when I drew a circle around it and left it over there.... Letting the beta who shouldn't exist die out so the alpha survivor who is here (and fully capable!) could be ushered in. I'm still working on it but this was a necessary step in the long hard road to healing.